I can't believe you said that!
by Kisha-Ra
Summary: A series of drabbles based around Things you'll never hear on Xmen:Evolution. Updated again.
1. Scott's car

I can't believe you said that.

The disclaimer telling you I don't own X-men: Evolution and am making no profit from this has eloped with my exam results.

Author's note (read warning): This is a series of drabbles inspired by my other fic Things you'll never hear on X-men evolution. The following content is humour and is not to be taken seriously. If you have no sense of humour, have recently had a sense of humour bypass, or have been offended by what I've already written you should leave now.

Scott's car.

It had been another average day in lives of the X-men. The day had started with danger room training, and moved swiftly on to a fight with the brotherhood during the course of which Scott's fourth car had been totalled. No one could work out why he kept parking them near disaster zones anyway.

While almost everyone else was occupied with cleaning up rubble from the destroyed wall, uprooted plants, and pieces of Scott's car from the driveway Scott was called into the professor's office.

'Now Scott,' Xavier began, as Scott was staring out the window at the twisted, scattered remains of his car, 'I understand you must be upset about losing another car, especially after you lost your last one in a poker game with Gambit, however with the current expenses I feel I cannot replace your car at the moment.'

'Oh that's alright professor.' Scott said happily. 'I never liked my car anyway, that's why I'm always trying to get it destroyed, when I lost my car in that poker game I really thought you'd get the hint and stop buying me new ones.' With that Scott almost skipped out of the professor's office.


	2. Gambit's sucess

The Secret of Gambit's Success.

Another fine day in Bayville, home of the mutants, the aliens, and the Elvis sightings. The sun was shining, birds were singing in the bushes (but were drowned out by the traffic noise), and Gambit was whistling as he sauntered up to the door of the Xavier Institute.

The knock at the door brought Kitty running down the stairs at about 90mph 'I'll get it!' She called happily before practically wrenching the door off it's hinges. 'Like, hello Gambit what are you doing here?'

'Gambit just stopped by to see if any of the people who lost their stuff in the poker match last Friday wanted to play chess tomorrow so they can have a chance to win their stuff back. It's really cluttering up Gambit's room and Sabertooth says he'll kill me if he trips over Scott's car or Logan's bike again.'

Kitty looked slightly confused. 'Isn't chess, like, totally out of character for you Gambit?' she asked with a frown.

'Sure is,' he replied 'But Gambit always cheats at poker and he does want to get rid of all that crap.'

It was very unfortunate for Gambit that Wolverine happened to walk up the drive at that exact time. 'WHAT?' Wolverine roared. 'You cheated me out of my bike and then you got the nerve to call it crap?!'

'Um, Gambit gotta leave now, bye.' Gambit ran for his life.


	3. Sharper than a serpent's tooth

Sharper than a serpent's tooth,

In a dark and gloomy bar on a dark and gloomy street Mystique was engaging the favoured pastime of the downtrodden, the desperate, and the despised: consuming large amounts of alcohol and bending a sympathetic ear.

'… And, and, and then they left me standing there. I'm so heart broken. Irene, you understand, don't you?' Mystique sobbed.

'Of course I do Raven.' Destiny lied to her friend while sipping at a small, bright green beverage that contained a pink paper umbrella. After all Raven did need to talk and probably wouldn't remember any of this tomorrow, well later this morning.

'I knew you would.' Mystique reached over the table patted Destiny's hand. 'I just can't believe my kids have nothing to say to me.' She sniffed.

'Yes Raven,' Destiny agreed 'that's heart wrenchingly sad. Why don't we head back to my place now?' In truth Destiny was quite interested in leaving the Kindred Spirit before the usual kicking out time riot and brawl.

'Oh what a wonderful idea Irene!' Mystique said, now on the enthusiastic drunk stage 'How do you come up with them?'

'In pairs, Raven my dear, in pairs' Destiny replied, hoping her friend's good mood would hold out until she passed out. 'I'll go and call a taxi.'

The next morning in her small kitchen Destiny was sipping a cup of strong coffee and reading the paper when Mystique lurched into the room and started making herself a coffee.

'How much did I drink last night?' Mystique asked 'Because I have a headache the size of Xavier's repair bills.'

'Oh I hear that the landlord had to order some more of those bottles on the back shelf' Destiny answered with a small smile.

'Please tell me you're joking about that Irene. I'm sure those are only for display, some of them have insects in the bottles.'

'Fortunately I retained enough common sense to keep you away from those ones.' Destiny said. 'But you insisted on drinking something that had two paper umbrellas and ice cubes in the shape of little monkeys, oh and a slice of lemon hooked on the side of the glass.'

'I remember that,' Mystique said 'it tasted like sulphuric acid would taste if you dissolved sugar in it and added a twist of lemon.'

'I'm glad I drunk the green stuff then.' Destiny said

'Thanks for putting up with me last night Irene.' Mystique said 'I'm so embarrassed about everything I remember saying and all the things I don't, especially the things I don't. You know I can understand how my kids feel, I did manipulate Rogue for my own gain and abandon Kurt.'

'You can't change the past Raven, You can only look to the future.'


	4. Classified!

Classified.

The usual Thursday evening meeting of the Institute staff had gone fairly well this week, that was until something so totally unexpected and disturbing happened that Xavier classified it top secret, burned the minutes of the meeting, and manipulated everyone's minds to make them believe that there had never been a staff meeting on Thursday evening. And this is why…

…'Alright.' Sighed Xavier 'I think we've established that Cannonball is so accident prone that even if I don't give him any of his allowance it will still take him 47 years to pay for all the damage he's caused.'

'I feel we'll have to overlook some of the damages Charles' Storm said 'It's hardly fair to deprive him of all allowance in the name of paying off damages incurred when it seems he doesn't have total control of his powers.'

'Agreed. He will have his allowance halved for the next five months to pay for the outside damages.' Xavier said. 'Next item?'

'I need some new conical flasks professor.' This, of course, was said by Beast. 'I cannot continue my research experiments without them.'

'I think we'd be better off without you research experiments Hank.' Logan complained. 'I can live with the explosions; at least they're over quickly. But the smells, they hang around for _days._'

'My experiments do _not_ explode. Very often.'

'Are conical flasks really essential for you work Hank?' Xavier asked before a shouting match could start.

'How do you keep breaking them anyway?' Wolverine asked since this was the third week in a row that the issue of conical flasks had come up.

'I'm learning to juggle with my feet.' Beast at least had the decency to look embarrassed.

'Very well,' Xavier said 'I will order some more conical flasks under the condition that no one tries to juggle with them, we have expresso cups for that. Any other business?' Xavier glared around the room to make it clear that no one was to have any other business on pain of pain. 'Since there is _no_ other business…' He began a little too late.

'Actually Chuck, I have some other business.' Wolverine stated.

'And what would that business be?' Xavier's patience was coming to an abrupt end.

'Well I just wanted to warn you that I won't be able to terrorise the kids this weekend, I'm going away for a few days with my boyfriend, Sabertooth.'…

…And that is exactly how it happened. The Thursday meeting was forgotten and Charles Xavier was scarred for life.


	5. When muffins attack

Another insane chapter. Don't forget to review, even if you think I'm lame, and if you do then why have you read this far?

Attack of the killer muffins.

Kitty hummed cheerfully as she looked for someone to try her latest batch of muffins. She was sure they were much better than the last one she'd made. The muffins looked weird and mutated as they always did, but Kitty didn't notice, as she always didn't.

Today's unfortunate victim was Rogue, who happened to be walking along the hallways when Kitty walked out of the kitchen with her plate of muffins.

'Like, hi there Rogue.' Kitty said.

'What do you want Kitty?' Rogue asked with some resignation, as she already knew what horrors were coming. She'd eaten on of Kitty's muffins before. Did that one have tentacles?

'Would you like a muffin?' Kitty enquired proffering the plate of vile looking baked items. Rogue took one with extreme caution.

'Um…Thanks, I think.' Rogue tried to bite the muffin, which still looked as though it had tentacles, and found out that was the 13th worst mistake she'd ever made. The muffin tried to bite her back!

'Omigod! That is so weird.' Kitty exclaimed as the muffin escaped Rogue's grasp and oozed towards the door.

'You're right there.' Said Rogue. 'I think you should…' However before Rogue could recommend that the rest of the muffins be destroyed they leapt from the plate and oozed after their leader.

'Maybe I shouldn't have used so many blueberries.' Mused Kitty as her baked monstrosities ran amok.

'Kit, I really don't think this is the time to rewrite a recipe. We have to stop those muffins.' As Rogue said this the muffin leader oozed back into the room. It had grown considerably, and one of the things it had grown was a huge amount of teeth.

Some time later the X-men were standing around in their trashed kitchen. The lino had been torn up and eaten by the killer muffins, the cupboard doors were hanging off, and the walls were scorched in places. (Although several students thought this was because of Wolverine's lack of D.I.Y skill and Kitty's tendency to start fires while cooking).

'I don't know what I did a past life,' Scott moaned 'but whatever it was it must have been bad.' His leg was bleeding and he had a black eye.

'I told you they had teeth.' Said Rogue.

'Kitty, just face it, your cooking sucks.' Kurt said.

'You guys are right, I'm not making any more muffins.' Kitty announced.

'Now all we've got to do is think up some way to explain this to the adults.' Rogue said.


	6. Broke

_This chapter is dedicated to requim17 who asked for something involving the brotherhood, somehow I doubt this is what is what you were expecting._

_Thanks to Chios-gal, Aura-Redwood, Boooklover for reviewing this fic. special thanks to DarkJadedRose for your reviews of every chapter so far._

Broke.

It was a typical morning in the brotherhood boarding house. The rain was overflowing from the broken gutter, the kitchen cupboard was bare of anything that vaguely resembled food, and the gas had been cut off.

'Is Mystique ever comin' back yo?' Todd whined 'I mean she may be one scary, scary blue bitch but at least she paid the bills.'

'Eventually.' Lance said 'Just face it she's gone. Next question?'

'How're we gonna pay the bills?' Asked Fred.

'I guess we'll have to get jobs.' Lance said. 'Mystique must have left some money here but we've all looked and we still don't have a huge wad of cash.'

'In fact,' Wanda said entering the room 'we do.'

'What?' Pietro said, nearly choking on his cereal.

'We now have a huge wad of cash, idiot.' Wanda said.

'Oh. How did we get that?' Asked Pietro.

'Mystique left it here.' Wanda answered

'Where was it?' Lance asked trying to head off another fight between Wanda and Pietro.

'Under the fruit bowl, I found it yesterday when I decided to clean it out before the life forms growing there invented the wheel.'

'How much is there?' Fred asked as he entered the room 'Is there enough to get some food?'

'And pay the bills?' added Lance

'There's enough to pay this months bills and get some shopping' Wanda said

'Oh thank all the holies!' Exclaimed Todd 'I gotta get some soap and toothpaste yo!'

Everyone just stared at him in disbelief.


	7. I am invincible!

_A short bit of insanity starring Apocalypse._

I am (not) invincible!

Apocalypse, that well known crazy and all round evil dude, landed with a crash right in the middle of nowhere.

'Mwhaahaahaa!' he laughed manically 'They thought I was gone, but I'm not! I am eternal! I am invincible! I am… Hey where the hell am I?

'You mean when the hell are you.' An old man wheezed at him.

'What? Who are you to correct the mighty Apocalypse?'

The old man pushed back the hood of his cloak revealing a face covered in hideous tattoos. 'Don't you recognise me Lord?' Mesmero asked.

'So my loyal and foolish servant,' Apocalypse said 'why did you wait for me to return?'

'Loyal servant my arse!' snapped Mesmero 'I'm not waiting for you to return. I can't show my hideously tattooed face at the old peoples home without some ex-X-man trying to beat me up!'

Apocalypse was silent, clearly he'd been gone longer than he hoped.

'But since you're here,' Mesmero said 'answer one thing for me. If your so invincible then how were you defeated?'

'In fact I'm not really invincible,' Apocalypse admitted 'I just said that to scare people.'


	8. Recruitment drive

_Thanks to DarkJadedRose, thevixondixon, and LifeBringsMeOnlyTears for you reviews. Special thanks to Chibi Horsewoman for reviewing nearly every chapter in one swell foop._

Recruitment drive.

At Magneto's secret base (in an abandoned warehouse, near the old ironworks on the south side of Bayville, New York. Whoops I guess it's not such a secret anymore), everything was going as usual for the acolytes. That is to say that Gambit was cheating Colossus and Sabertooth out of their money in a game of blackjack, and everything flammable was burning to the accompaniment of Pyro's merry laughter.

'_I really must get some new followers.' _The master of magnetism thought as Sabertooth forked over his shirt, having stuck on a two and a four. '_Surely I can afford to hire someone sane.'_

Pyro's hair caught fire and as the pyromaniac ran around crying and screaming Magneto made up his mind. _'I bet Apocalypse never had __this problem.'_ He thought.

-x-x-x-

Half an hour Magneto looked at his greatest work to date, a short advertisement for the local paper.

Are you a mutant? Do you need a job? Then join Magneto's Acolytes. Duties include fighting the X-men, preaching mutant superiority, and extinguishing fires. Room available on the base. Call (58305) 776195 for details.

-x-x-x-

It was a fairly typical evening at the Xavier institute, most of the students were in their rooms under the pretence of studying or doing homework, but really they just didn't want to annoy Wolverine because the consequences would be dire.

Scott was reading the paper in the kitchen when professor X wheeled in. 'Oh hello professor.' Scott said 'I was just going to go and look for you.'

'Really?' Xavier was somewhat surprised; no one normally wanted to talk to him.

'Yes. I wanted to let you know I'm joining the Acolytes.'

Xavier was stunned. 'But why?'

'I want my own room.'

-x-x-x-

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